Animal Jokes

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Ok now theres a duck walking down the road and the skunk asks him what is the matter. The duck says I dont know what I am. Well the skunk says well you have a beak,your yellow, and has webbed feet,your a duck.So the next day skunk is crying and the duck says what is wrong and the skunk says I dont know what I am. So the duck says your black,your white,and you smell your a puertorican

What do you call a dog that has no Legs?
Why would you want to call him? He could'nt come no matter what you called him unless you called him a Cigarette and took him for a drag.

A school bus full of kindergarten students was taking the children home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child came to a different conclusion. "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "alligator's teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

A large dog walks into a butcher's shop with a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.

"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak--"

"Woof!" interrupts the dog.

"And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo--"

"Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.

As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

"Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That's the most clever animal I've ever seen!"

"Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond - it looked so delicious, but it was so deep that he had to actually put all of his body into the pond to reach the sausage - he found it very tasty.
The moral of the story is...

The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the forest when the bear looks at the rabbit and says "do you have the problem of shit sticking to youre fur?" the rabblit repls "no never" so the bear leans over grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now. The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." And took off like a bat out of hell.

A man breaks into a house in the night then a voice says "jesus is watching you" he gets a bit scared but forgets about it and starts to steal things then the voice says "jesus is watching you" so he turns the light on and there is a parrot the burgular says hello and asks for its name the parrot replies my name is molly the burgular says that is a blooming stupid name for a parrot and the parrot replies and says jesus is a blooming stupid name for a rottweiller!

PUT THE CAT OUT

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

HOW TO BATHE A CAT...

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no living creatures between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you? "The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens, and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says,
"Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.

"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.

The businessman orders a coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"

The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.

Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.

Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy bitch! Where is my drink!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.

The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey,! Will you bring me my damn coke?"

Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.

At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

Tree Full of Monkeys

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...
all on different limbs... at different levels...some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Monkey in a Bar?

A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey.
The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!"
The man replied, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble."
Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball.
The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!"
So the monkey and the man left.

The man left but came back one week later with his monkey.
He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble.
The bartender let him and the monkey stay.
Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes,
put one in his ass, and then ate it.
The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!"
The man said, "Since he swallowed the cue ball,
he sizes everything up before he eats it."

3 scientists decided to try and break the world record for largest pig in the world. after lots of careful research and planning, they decided that that the best way to go would be to put a cork in the pigs butt and overfeed him. after 3 months of feeding, they submitted their pig to the judging for the guiness book of world records. after winning the title, they needed to remove the cork from the pig. they decided the best way to do this would be to have a trained monkey pull it out. all four were in the room when the monkey pulled the cork and woke up in the hospital. the doctor asked the first one what the last thing he saw was. "piles and piles of s---" was his reply. the second one answered this question "piles and piles and piles of s---." when the thrid was asked this, his answer was "i remember the poor monkey trying to put the cork back in."