The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says... "Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

A guy walks into a bar has a few drinks and now has to take a piss so he goes to the JOHN to do business. In walks behind him is a 3 1/2 ft tall little man walks up next to him and procedes to take a piss also. The man looks over at the little man and sees he has this humungus d!ck so the guy says to the little man WOW you got a big d!ck and the little man replied thats because Im a leprucaun (in a irish voice) and being since you seen my tallywacker Im going to grant ya three wishes. The man got verry excited and blurted out I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS. the lepracaun said done. I WANT A BEAUTIFUL GIRL. the lepracaun said done. the guy said for my last wish I WANT A SPORTS CAR! and the lepracaun said here are the keys the girl is in the passanger seat the money is in the trunk. As the guy turned to leave the lepracaun said you dont get this for free. the guy said Ill do anything. the lepracaun said you have to let me f^ck you in the @ss. the guy said oooo hell no so the lepracaun said Ill snap my fingers and all you wished for will be gone. so the guy said what the hell he got down on his knees and let the lepracaun f^ck him in his @ss the d!ck was so big it was hurting and the man yelles oooouch I CANT BELIEVE I'M LETTING YOU DO THIS and the lepracaun said I CANT BELIEVE YOU THOUGH I WAS A LEPRACAUN

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

.........You're gonna love this..........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

ok a man walks into a bar and sees a fine lady at the end of the bar and says to the bar tender "give the lady a beer" so the bartender sets a beer in front of her and she doesnt even look up from her book and he says "bartender give the f*cking lady another f*cking beer" the bar tender sets it down again and she doesnt even look up. the man is furious so he tells the bartender to give her another beer and say its from him so the bar tender does so and again she dont look up so he walks over to her and says "god dam*it i sent you three f*ucking bees and you dont even say thanx" she says "sorry im so into this book on mens'penises. did you know indians have the longest dicks and mexicans have the widest?" the man is dumbfounded so she askes "whats your name?" the man says " Tanto Rodreguez"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but quite useless in a fight."

A guy walks into a bar. As he approaches the bartender he begins talking to his hand. The bartender asks, "Why are you talking to your hand?". The man replies, "I'm a businessman and my cell phone is installed in my hand." The bartender thinks this to be a little weird but says nothing. The guy asks where the bathroom is and the bartender points to it. About 30 minutes later the guy is still not back from the bathroom. The bartender goes to check on him. The man is sitting on the floor with his pants down holding a roll of toilet paper. The bartender says, "What are you doing?". The guy replies, "Receiving a fax."

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender looks at him and says,"we don't serve your kind here", the mushroom looks at him and says,"why not im a fungi."

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

3 guys walked into a bar, the first guys name wuz Billy, the second ones name wuz jo the 3rd guys name iz bob. Billy walked in first, he was walking a little funny. Then Bob walks in the bar, he was walking funny too. And last but not least, jo walks in the bar, with a dildo in his hand. They stand on the bar and start dancing around the poles, "pole dancing", and then they stop and say who wants to have a 4 some with us today. and when they asked that everyone runs out of the bar except for the barkeeper.They ask the bar keeper " do you want to CUM to our house with us. and he says, yea why not, i can have a little fun and CUM with you guys today....

A grass hopper walks into a bar and the bartender says hey we have a drink name after you, and the grass hopper says you have a drink named eddie

what did the man say when he walked into the bar?
Ouch!!

mike tyson comes into resturant joins paddy, jock and taff, mike says to jock im a world champion boxer, a millionaire, and i have sex with white women,jock says fair play to you and goes to loo. mike repeats same to taff, taff replies same and goes to loo. both come back from loo find paddy lying on floor battered cut and bruised when they asked paddy what happened he said mike said the same to me as he said to yous all i said was if i had your money i would not have sex with niggers either.

Georgia mountain hill billy on 21st birthday goes to town, where he has never been before. Amazed by the all the buildings and colorful lights, he goes into this lounge that says beer and billiards. Whals up to bartender and asks for a glass of billiards. The bartender thinks I'll fix this smart ass. So he goes to the back room and fills an empty beer bottle full of urin, comes back and gives it to the hill billy. The hill billy turns it up and dranks it all with out stopping, sets the bottle down, looks at the bartender and says. You know sir if I was'nt such a big billiards drinker I swear that was piss.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..."
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers
are Polish and so are most of my customers." "Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"