Business Jokes

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?". The crow answered: Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be Scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This is unacceptable as an excuse for leave. However if you must depart, then we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 9:00 to 9:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 9:10 to 9:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute timelimit in the stalls.

PAY CHECK GUIDE:
It has been brought to our attention that some employees seem to be having difficulty understanding their paycheck deduction stub. The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay £ 1,222.02
Income tax £ 244.40
Outgo tax £ 45.21
State tax £ 11.60
Interstate tax £ 61.10
County tax £ 6.11
City tax £ 12.22
Rural tax £ 4.44
Back tax £ 1.11
Front tax £ 1.16
Side tax £ 1.61
Up tax £ 2.22
Tic-Tacs £ 1.98
Thumbtacks £ 3.93
Carpet tax £ 0.98
Stadium tax £ 0.69
Flat tax £ 8.32
Surtax £ 3.46
Corporate tax £ 2.60
Parking fee £ 5.00
FICA £ 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund £ 9.95
Life insurance £ 5.85
Health ins. £ 16.23
Dental ins. £ 4.50
Mental ins. £ 4.33
Reassurance £ 0.11
Ability £ 0.25
Liability £ 3.41
Unreliability £ 10.99
Coffee £ 6.85
Coffee Cups £ 6.31
Computer rental £ 60.20
Floor rental £ 16.85
Chair rental £ 0.32
Desk rental £ 4.32
Union dues £ 5.85
Union don'ts £ 3.77
Cash advance £ 0.69
Cash retreats £ 121.35
Overtime £ 1.26
Undertime £ 54.83
Eastern time £ 9.00
Central time £ 8.00
Mountain time £ 7.00
Pacific time £ 6.00
Time Out £ 12.20
Oxygen £ 10.02
Water £ 16.54
Heat £ 51.42
Cool air £ 26.83
Hot air £ 20.00
Miscellaneous £ 113.29
Sundry £ 12.09
Various £ 8.01

Net Take Home Pay £ 0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, onsternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

FROM: OPERATIONS
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."