Blind dates are just plain scary, but it gets a lot worse when you meet them and discover they are far from even
the most meager of hopes you had for them to be what you wanted. Here's some tips on how to get rid of them, fast!
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, w with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Drool.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Sacrifice French fries to a Pagon god.
Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally.
Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.
After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."
Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"
Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead.
During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, reaching for it.
Collect all of the salt shakers from tables surrounding yours. Use them to build a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate.
Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.
Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to
his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
The Metro Times in the Detroit, MI area runs a competition for
the best Personal Ad, and gives a $15 gift certificate to a local
music store as the prize. This one won in the latest issue.
I am black and a woman. With children being slaughtered in
Rowanda, what difference does it make how big my breasts are, how
long my legs are, or how much money you or I make? To hell with
long walks, holding hands, candle lit dinners, and all of that
other crap that people never continue doing after the first date
anyway; that didn't even take place in Cinderella (I've seen the
movie).
If there is a man out there who:
isn't a crackhead or crack dealer,
isn't an alcoholic,
doesn't have any kids,
doesn't smoke,
doesn't beat women,
isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad,
isn't a liar,
isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back,
isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex,
doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex,
likes having sex,
CAN have sex,
is not
in jail,
on probation,
has a court date pending,
isn't a
misogynist,
racist,
classist,
elitist,
lawyer,
politician,
member of the military,
policeman (Malice Green, Rodney King),
bible boy, or
a pompous ass.
Call me!!
What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out
there, if you exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on
men.
10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on
this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she
is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can
take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,
policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough
to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose
down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As
soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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