Food Jokes

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

THE BACHELOR DIET

MONDAY

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth

Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.

Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox

Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
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TUESDAY

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw

Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
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WEDNESDAY

Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's

Lunch - Rolaids and a coke

Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
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THURSDAY

Breakfast - Order out for pizza

Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
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FRIDAY

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.

Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder

Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
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SATURDAY

Breakfast - Sleep through it.

Lunch - Ditto

Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
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SUNDAY

Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.

Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb." Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he even still, as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Got a funny food joke? Email it to rvrabel2002 @ gmail.com