A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large
sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts
on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks
into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps
five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me
this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the
first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
THE BACHELOR DIET
MONDAY
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some
toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those
little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty
five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft
drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle
of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece
Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
---
TUESDAY
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five
cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever
comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
---
WEDNESDAY
Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El
Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
---
THURSDAY
Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack
for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.
---
FRIDAY
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and
it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
---
SATURDAY
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a
hanging basket.
---
SUNDAY
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.
Submitted by - Steve
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often
respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi,
Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd
make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a
movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you
like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
Submitted by - Steve
Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday
of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the
belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker the Hostess Twinkies,
Captain Crunch and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt
Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never
knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting
much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he even still, as a crusty old man, he
was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought
he'd raise once again, but he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two
children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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