To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

Man: If you really loved me...you should take me as I am and not try to change me.
Woman : Then you, also, should take me as I am, someone who wants to change you !

A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".

911: "is this her first child?".

Man: "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!

One day a young man and his wife were invited to visit an elderly couple for dinner. The elderly couple had been married for about 60 years, and seemed to love each other very much. The husband would always address his wife as honey, pumpkin, etc. When the two women disappeared to the kitchen the younger man asked the elderly man, "How do you manage to keep calling your wife honey and stuff after being married for so long?" The man blushed as he looked away for a moment, then turned back to the young man and relpied, "I forgot her name ten years ago."

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver- sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,
"Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance,' says Mrs. Murphy. 'He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.'

No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor!'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."
"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"
"I told you not to worry," he said, practicing stroking his putt.... "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions."
At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic friend while driving the car. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Jessie." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Jessie."

Caught

A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! please pack my new blue silk pajamas. The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says,Yes! lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? The wife replies; I did, they were in your tacklebox.

Got a Husband joke you want to share? email it to rvrabel2002 at gmail.com