SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYBODY.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.
How did the tugboat get AIDs? It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they screw? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, & Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex Education Classes use it.

* For Men Tired of Receiving Male Bashing Jokes and the Women who Send Them...

10. How many men does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

9. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

8. Why do men pass gas more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

7. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

6. Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.

5. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

4. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,
"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

3. A young son asks, 'Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' To which his dad replies, 'That happens in every country, son.'

2. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

and the Number One Response to Male Bashing Jokes...

1. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

22. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem." Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

23. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

24. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

25. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

26. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery...

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

Some Things Police Officers Have Said:

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

You Know You Are Broke When...

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood every day ... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

Subject: Hollywood Squares Comebacks

These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous:

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy. growing strawberries!

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

What Women Want in a Man
(When they first start dating)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. Imaginative, romantic lover

What Women Want in a Man
(When they are age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want in a Man
(When they are age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man
(When they are age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man
(When they are age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man
(When they are age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN THE OFFICE, BUT NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk NOW!!!!!
5. HMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty at the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN A LAW FIRM BUT NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she'd better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Hold Up! I need to wash my balls first.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Look at the size of his driver!

Sometimes we need to remember the Rules of Life....

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship. "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Top 20 Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee....

1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
2. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
3. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
4. You sleep with your eyes open
5. You watch videos in fast forward
6. You lick your coffee pot clean
7. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
8. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
9. You can type 60 words per minute with your feet
10. You can jump-start your car without cables
11. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low
12. You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
14. You've worn the finish off your coffee table
15. The Taster's Choice couple want to adopt you
16. Instant coffee takes too long
17. You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
18. You name your cats Cream and Sugar
19. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
20. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off yoghurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.

I can get where I want to - north, south, east, or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink, I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

I spend five minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.

I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy is out there trying to steal you.

I'm rational, responsible, and logical too.

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.

It's more fun than dealing with women, after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get bitchy every 28 days.

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

HIS & HER ATM USAGE EXPLAINED

HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S ..... and beyond

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask: "Do you wanna go get a Coke?"; and he writes back: "Yeah, give me five mins"
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next-door neighbour yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they are not on-line.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
8. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business-like manner.
10. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.
11. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
12. Your relatives and friends describe your job as "works with computers". And the clinchers......
13. You read this entire list and you keep nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your E-MAIL BUDDIES.
15. It crosses your mind that your "jokes group" may have already seen it but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

Work VS Prison

Just in case you ever get mixed up between the two, this should make things a bit clearer:

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Top 45 Oxymorons: