A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that c*nt ages to finish that fence.'"

On little johnnys first day of 1st grade his teacher said to the class "If anybody thinks they are stupid, please stand up." Everyone sat quietly for a couple of seconds. Little Johnny stood up and the teacher asked if he thought he was stupid. He said "No, but I hate to see you standing up there all alone."

One day in class little Johnny said to his teacher, "My sisters in gr 2 and I'm just as smart as her, I should be in gr 2 as well." So the teacher took him to the Princible and explained the problem. The Principle thought about it and began asking Little Johnny gr 2 questions, which he got all right. So the Principle said it would be alright but the teacher had her own questions for him, "What do you have in your pants that i don't have in my dress?" "Pockets" replied Little Johnny. "What do I have two of that a cow has four of?" "Legs" Suddenly the Principle exclaims, "Send him to Gr. 4 I got those last two wrong!"

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children for their examples of words with more than one syllable. Jane and Little Johnny were the first to raise their hands. Knowing that Little Johnny was a little more mature in the ways of life, she called on Jane. "Jane, what is your multi-syllable word?" After some further thought Jane proudly replied, "Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone else know any other multi-syllable words." "I do! I do!" replied Little Johnny. Knowing Johnny's mischievous ways the teacher picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked and trying to retain her composure the teacher says, "Wow Johnny, Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, your thinking 'Blow-Job', and that's only two syllables."

Little Johnny was sitting on a bench and had 7 candy-bars next to him and an old man came and sat next to him and says "Son, did you know that too much candy can Rot your teeth, Make you fat, and give you acne?" and Little Johnny says "No sir, but my grandfather lived to be 106!" and the old man goes "Oh is that so? did HE eat 7 candy-bars a day?" and little johnny says.."Well no sir, but he minded his own damn buisness!"

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher hid something behind her back so her students would have to guess, so she said "I have something round and orange."Little Johnny goes "i know, I know!" It's a tangerine!, the teacher says "no, but I like your thinking, it's actually an orange." Little Johnny sits there thinking for a minute and suddenly says "Hey I got one!" teacher say "yes?, Little johnny?" "o.k, whats long hard and full of seamen?" The teacher goes "Little Johnny!" "no,its a submarine, but i like your thinking"

Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival. She said, "Yes." At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag of M&M's for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M's. She said,"Yes but, don't eat too many -- it's almost dinner." She poured a small amount into his hand. Johnny tipped his head back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M's. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand.

Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time. Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,"Johnny, what are you doing?" Johnny replies,"I'm playing truck driver." She says,"Truck driver? Can you explain?" Johnny says,"Yes, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!"

One day Little Mary was riding her tricycle around the house from the kitchen through the living room and down the hall and back to the kitchen. As she passed Mom and Dad's room, she noticed that the door was open just a bit. She runs her trike into it and it pops open and there is was Mom and Dad just going at it. Little Mary shouts' "Mom what is Daddy doing?" Mom looks over Dad's shoulder and says, "We are playing Park the car in the garage! Now go outside and play!" So a couple of hours go by. Mom is carrying the garbage across the back yard to the alley, when all of a sudden, Little Johnny comes out from behind the garage just screaming blood murder. He knocks her over and garbage goes flying everywhere. As she picks herself up she sees Little Mary coming outfrom behind the garage real sad and hanging her head. Mom says to Mary, "What on earth is wrong with Little Johnny?" And Little Mary says real quiet like, "Well we were playing that new game 'Park the car in the Garage' and the back wheel wouldn't go in so I cut them off."

little johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked "Which part of the body goes to heaven first?" Little johnny was raising his hand but the teacher called on clyde. clyde said "I think its the heart." Little Johnny was still raising his hand but the teacher wouldn't call on him so she instead called on carl. carl said "I think its the brain." Little Johnny was still raising his hand and finally the teacher decided that he couldn't twist this into a bad thing. she called on little Johnny and he said "I think its the feet because I walked past my parents room and my mom had her feet pointing towards the ceiling and she said 'Oh God Im COMING!!"

little johnny was in class one day when his teacher was reading a story to the class she said "and so the little pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said excuse me sir but can i please borrow some of that straw to build my house" and the teacher says "and what do you think that man said?" and then little johnny raised his hand and said "i think he said holly shit a talking pig"!!

Little Johnny was at sunday school one day and the teacher was asking the kids where they thought Jesus was.Mary said "I think Jesus is in my heart" Paul said," I think Jesus is in heaven" But then little Johnny said" I KNOW Jesus is in my bathroom because every morning my daddy is pounding on the door yelling, "Jesus Christ are you sill in there!"

One day little johnny was in class when his teacher announced every friday she would ask a question and whom ever answered it correctly wouldn't have to come to school on monday. The first friday came along, and she asked "How many gallons of water is there in the world?" No one knew. So little johnny decided to wait until next friday, so he could get it right. The second friday came along, and the teacher asked, how many grains of sand is there in the whole world? No one knew. Johnny was getting angry, because he really didn't want to go to school on Monday. So when the third friday came along johnny decided to paint to ping-pong balls black. Right before the teacher asked the question, he rolled the ping-pong balls at her feet. The teacher said, "Who's the comedian with the 2 black balls?" "Bill Cosby" johnny said, "See ya Tuesday!"

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked "can anybody use the word fascinate in a sentence?" Johnny raised his hand. But because of past experiances the teacher called on billy.
"I went to the zoo and i was fascinated"
"No, Billy we want fascinate."
Johnny was raising his hand, but the teacher called on sally.
"The animals at the zoo were fascinating"
"No, Sally we want fascinate"
Little Johnny was standing up raising his hand jumping and wanting to be called on. well the teacher fiqured that johnny could never be bad with the word fascinate.So the teacher finally called on johnny...
"My sister has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.

One day little Johnny was at the post office. He went up to the clerk and said "do you have any peanuts", the clerk with a quizzled look, though about it for a few seconds then said "ya, two ya little homo" then johnny said "oh haha, lol, im so funny"

One Day in class little johnny needed to go to the bathroom and he yell out,"i need to take a piss!" and the teacher said,"Now Johnny that is not the proper word to use, the correct word is Uranate, please use the word uranate in a sentence and i will let you go." little johnny thinks for a min. and says,"your and eight but you'd be a ten if you'd let me go piss!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"