1) He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it .
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

2) He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

3) He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

4) He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

5) He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.

6) On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . . . " I do not"

Let's pick on the guys for a change.....

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks,move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to usin' paper."

VIAGRA JOKES

A crate load of Viagra was stolen from a distribution depot - Police were looking for hardened criminals.

It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff sentencing.

A report out today states that gardeners will not need to stake tomato plants any longer. Just one Viagra tablet in their water, and they stand up straight and firm.

Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

There's a new beverage on the market today. It is called Viagraccino - one cup and you are up all night.

A man and his wife went to the chemists to pick up his prescription. Seeing the $20 per pill price, the man was astonished - but his wife had a different opinion - Oh, $60 a year ain't too bad.

The passengers on a plane are waiting for their flight to leave when two men, both wearing dark glasses, dressed in pilot uniforms, walk up the aisle. One is being led by a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men go into the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers are all looking around for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but there is none. As the plane moves faster and faster down the runway, the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off and will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

A canadian, osama bin laden and uncle sam were walking along a beach when they stumbled accross a magic lamp *pop* out bursts a genie "ok each of you guys have one wish each, canadian what do do you want to wish for?" the canadian replies "im a farmer and my father was a farmer and my son will also be a farmer so could you make my home country fertile so my crops can grow all year around" *poof* "your wish is granted osama what do you wish for?" the genie asks "i want a wall around afghanistan so tha no jews infadels or americans can come into our promised land"bin laden said. *poof* "your wish is granted, uncle sam what do you wish for?" so uncle sam says " im curious tell me more about this wall" the genie says" well its about 15 thousand feet high 6 thousand feet under ground and surounds the whole country nothing can get in or out" so uncle sam thinks hard for a while and says with a smart assed voice "fill it with water"!

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one of the nuns is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!" The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same land- lord I have."

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave. Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

The Princess's Problem

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.
He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:
What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking you pervert?

What do women want?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
the princess
the prostitutes
the priests
the wise men
the court jester

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he's have to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her, and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him!
The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!
The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

ROBBERS

Two idiots rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" "Half a million" "Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?" "I bought a house. How about your sack?" "Bah... it was full o' bills" "And what did you do with them?"

"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."

COMMUTER PLANE

Fourteen passengers on a small commuter plane are all strapped in, waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the ground staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately thereafter. The entrance at the rear of the aircraft opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot's uniforms - both wearing dark glasses. One is led by a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane gathers speed, moving freely, faster and faster down the runway, when people at the windows realize that they're getting closer and closer to the end of the runway and that they will never take off. Hysterical, panic stricken screams fill the cabin. But just at that very last possible moment, the plane lifts off smoothly, and sails up, into the sky. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon, they have all retreated into their papers and magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is indeed in safe hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Bob, one of these days they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

A nun was driving down the freeway going only 21 mph, so a cop pulls her over. He walks up to her window and says, "Sister, why are you going only 21 mph on a freeway?" The nun says, "Officer, I was only going the speed limit." Amused, the cop says, "Sister, the speed limit here is 55 and you are on Interstate 21." Suddenly, the cop looks in her back seat and notices two frightened nuns sitting there, shaking, scared, and pale looking. "What's wrong with them?" the cop asks pointing to the scared nuns. The first nun in the drivers seat says, "Oh, they are thinking about the Interstate we were just on." "What was that?" asks the cop.

"Interstate 145."

Three older gals were chatting about the problems of aging gracefully. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Oh yes, Ethel, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. . . Suddenly she said, "Oh, darn! That must be the door, I'll get it!"

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. 'That ought to be obvious,' he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. 'The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!'

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"