|Ole, Sven, Lena & Lars Jokes|
One day Ole comes home from work and announces; "Leena! Pack your bags I've won the lottery!"
Leena replies with excitement and says, "O Ole Where are we going?"
Ole replies, "I don't think you heard me right, I said pack YOUR bags I'VE won the lottery."
One day ole was home alone when the lady next door came over. "Ole she said would you please do me a favor and
take of my blouse for me?" Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her. "Now Olie would you please take off
my skirt for me?" Once again Olie obliged her. "Ok Ole take off my panties and bra."
Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning. She looked Ole in the eyes and
said "And don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
Swen was standing on the street corner one day when Ole drove up in
a new car. Swen asked, "Ole, where did you get the new car?" Ole answered,
"I was out parking in the toolies with Lena, and she took off all her clothes
and told me I could have whatever I wanted - so I took the car." Swen answered,
"Well I think you made a wise choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have
fit you anyway."
Ole lay dying in his bedroom. He began to revive as he smelled the
aroma of fresh lefsa wafting through the house. Ole managed to gather is
strength and crawled out to the kitchen. Just as he reached for a sample
of his loffy Lena's lefsa she slapped his hand and said, "No Ole, don't you
know that's a for the funeral"
Sven, Ole, and Lena got invitations to go to this party. The invitation
said that they must dress up as an emotion. So Sven goes to his house, and
Ole and Lena go to theirs. Lena goes upstairs to change, she comes downstairs
all dressed in red. Ole asks Lena, "Vut are yew supposed ta be?" Lena says,
"I'm red vith furry." So Ole goes upstairs to change, he comes downstairs
all dressed in green. Lena asks Ole, "Vut are yew supposed to be?" Ole
says, "I'm green vith envy."
Ole and Lena get a knock on their front door, so Ole answers it. There is
Sven standing butt-naked with a tire around his waist! Ole says, "Vut in
va vorld are vu supposed ta be?" Sven says, "I'm in da spare!"
Ole and Sven and dere families live in da voods & share da same outhouse.
Vun day Sven comes to Ole & says,
"Ole, I got some bad news, eh? Da outhouse is full up an' ve should do sometin'
Ole tinks fer a minit an' says,
"Ya know, Sven, I don't much wanna shovel dat stuff outa dere. Ya know dat
I usta verk fer da iron mines down dere in Visconsin. I usta set da charges
dat vould blast da ore out. I tink I could set up a charge under da outhouse,
blow all da crap outa dere an' leave da outhouse standin' pretty as ya please.
"Vell, Ole," says Sven, " if you could do dat, you vould be a God!"
So dey go off to get da dynamite to do da yob. Dey come back an' Ole sets
da charge yust so. Sven an' Ole are stretchin' out da ignition cable into
da voods and disappear behind da trees yust as Ole's vife, Lena, comes outa
da house headin' fer da outhouse. Yust as she gets inside an' settles down
Sven an' Ole set off da charge. BOOOOOOOM!!!! an all da mud under da outhouse
goes blastin' out into da voods. Ven da dust settles dey see dat da outhouse
is standin' dere yust like Ole promised.
Yust den da door flies open an' Lena stumbles outa da outhouse coughin' an'
beatin' da dust offa her an' mutters,
"Geez, I'm glad I didn't do dat in da house!!"
Ole and Sven, the old retired Norwegian boys, lived at the Old Retired
One afternoon they were sitting on the front porch looking at the sunset
and talking about this and that. Lena, who lived there too, was standing
around the corner and heard the boys talking. Being a mischevious lady,
Lena decided to play a trick on the boys.
Taking off all her clothes, she ran around the corner and raced past Ole
and Sven as fast as she could run.
Ole and Sven watch in astonishment as Lena runs past. Finally, Ole asks,
"Vasn't dat Lena?"
Sven replies, "Yah, ay - ay tank so..."
Ole says, "But, vat vas she vearing?"
Sven shakes his head and says, "Yah, ay don't know, but vatever it vas,
it sure needed ironing!"
Ole was never very bright in school, but one day the teacher started
speak'en his language. She asked the class,"Can anyone use the words defense,
defeat and detail in one sentence?" Ole sprang to his feet with his arm
stretched in the air. The teacher very suprised, told him to go ahead.
Ole proudly stated,"Ven de horse jumps over de fence de tail comes after
Ole has been shot to death.
Vell, he vas up near da border with
Canada cuttin trees. A forest ranger saw him at a distance and yelled "Vas
is your name and whacha been doin"
Ole replied "Ole, bin loggin"
So, one night Ole was sitting reading the paper when he looked out
the window and saw that his barn was on fire. So Ole quick jumped up and
called the fire department and said, "Hurry, come quick, my barn's burnin'
down!" The fire chief replied, "Ole, slow down. Now how do we get there?"
And Ole said, "Well don't you have that little red truck anymore?"
Submitted by - Harju, Lena
Yew have yust received da Sven and Ole Computer Virus. Because ve
how to program computers, dis virus verks on da honor system. Please delete
all d files on yewr hard drive manually and forward dis message to everyvon
on yewr mailing list.
Tank yew fer yewr cooperation.
Sven and Ole.
Submitted by - The Flippster
The 2 biggest
Minnesota Viking fans of all time (Ole' and Sven) were of coarse, up to
no good again! They went over to Wisconsin to try and sabotage the Packer's
lockeroom so they would get trapped in there and couldn't make it to the
big game on Sunday. Well as it turned out, their plan failed and both of
the pranksters suffocated to death while getting stuck crawling through
the duct work. Ole' and Sven went up to the pearly gates to try and gain
admission. St. Peter just looked at these two and said,"Don't even think
about it you two! I've been hearing about your shinanigans and pranks for
years now, and quite frankly, I've been waiting a long time for this moment."
Ole' and Sven were puzzled by St. Peters outburst but soon found themselves
in a very unpleasant place called hell. The devil approached them and told
them to shovel 15 tons of coal into the blast furnace, in 8 hours or they
would be in big trouble. So they did it. 8 hours later the 2 pranksters
were relaxing on the coal pile when the devil came back. "Well how do you
2 pranksters like hell?" Ole' and Sven said," Vell, it wasn't too a tougha
job eh'! The temperature isa bout right. It feels a like Minnesota in a
June don't ya know." This made the Devil very angry, so he turned up the
furnace and gave them another 8 hours to shovel 20 tons of coal into it.
8 hours went by and the Devil came back to see Ole' and Sven sitting down
again."Well now how do you 2 like hell?" The Devil screamed!"The heat does
still not bother you 2?" Ole' and Sven said,"Vell, It a feels like a Minnesota
in July or maybe even August for sure eh'." The devil became so outraged
at these 2 pranksters that he was bound and determined to show them a thing
or 2! The devil shut the furnaces off completely, and opened a cavern that
led straight to the north pole. The Devil told them they had 8 hours to
shovel the 40 Tons of snow that came blowing in. The temperature soon fell
to -60 below zero! 8 hours went by and the Devil came back. Ole' and Sven
were reclining in their homemade igloos. The Devil could not believe this
at all. He asked the 2 how they liked it in hell now! Ole' and Sven said
that it felt just like January in Minnesota. They also asked the Devil
what the score of the game was? The Devil was bewildered."Why do you ask
this?" "Well," said Ole' and Sven,"De Vikings must'uv surely a wun dat
dare Super a Bowl, seein' as how dis a here place is frozed over now!
Ben Lindberg - Roseville, MN
Sven and Ole
quit their job and bought a truck because they had heard that there was
a good deal of money to be earned in this occupation. When they went down
to the insurance agent to buy insurance, the agent asked Ole "How much
experience do you have with driving a truck?"Ole: "Ve dont
have any experiense now, but by the end of the summer ve're gonna have
lots of it."Agent: "Well,
before our company writes out a policy, we have to be sure in our own mind
that you are suited for this kind if work, after all, we stand to lose
a lot of money should you have an accident."Ole: " ja,
I kan apprishiate that."Agent: "Ole,
I'm gonna ask you a hypothetical question. Picture this, You've got a full
load and you've been driving all night. Your coming out of the mountains,
your friend Sven is sleeping in the bunk behind you. At the end of a long
down grade there is a railroad track crossing the road. As you approach,
you notice the train is coming. You step on the brakes, but you don't have
any, you've lost them in the mountains. You quickly down shift to slow
down only to discover that you got out of fourth, but for the life of you,
you can't get it into third. You're freewheeling and picking up speed.
What would you do?"Ole: After
thinking for a few moments says, "I think I vould vake up Sven, he's never
seen a real bad accident."
by: Gary Urness
Ole and Lena
sat around every evening just reading and reading. Lena read books and
newspapers, but Ole just read the Bible. Finally Lena says bruskly to Ole
"why do you yust read the Bible all the time?" Ole looked up and said "whyLena, the
bible can answer any question you can ask" To this Lena replied "well what
does the Bible say about P.M.S.? Ole replied "yust a minute, I'll find
it right here". Ole paged through the Bible for a little while and then
said "Lena, here is the answer to your question" "And Mary rode Joseph's
ass all the way to Jerusalem".
Ole came home
from work early, one day, don cha know, and he found Lena sitting there
in their room with no clothes on.
"Vat are you doing?" he asked. "I just didn't have anything to wear," she
said. Ole went over to the closet, and said "Vat do you mean, you have
nothing to wear. Look, you have red dress, green dress, blue dress, Sven,
by: The Joker through email
and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there
had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win
a prize in the monthly drawing. That is until the last meeting.
Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds
of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of swedish
meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets
to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see
the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone
to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet
brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out
how they had fared for the past month. Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti
for tree days. It was so
good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days." Ole said
"Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duluth
was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in
outhouse on dat
dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear
dey were sisters." Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize
worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is
nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."
The next 2
Submitted by Jack and Barb
On their honeymoon
trip, they were approaching Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's
knee. Lena giggled and said: "Ole, You can go furder den dat, don't cha
know?" So Ole put the pedal to the metal and drove to Duluth
Ole and Lena
lived in this rather old home. One night Ole came home and Lena noticed
that the door squeaked when he opened it. So Lena asked Ole to fix the
door. Ole said "Vat do I look like, a doggone carpenter der". The next
day the kitchen light swich didn't work, so Lena asked Ole to fix it. To
which Ole replied "Hey vat do you tink I am, a dad burned lectrician dere
or vat?". Next day a faucet was leaking, so naturally, Lena asked Ole to
take care of the problem. "Lena, Lena, Lena," Ole responded, "vat da dinga
donga heck ya tink I am dere, Da plumber?" About a week later Ole noticed
that everything was fixed, so he asked Lena who had fixed them. Lena, coyly
said, "I had Lars come over and fix dem darn tings for me." To which Ole
responded, "So how much did Lars charge me for all dat darn verk dere?"
With a smile on her face, Lena said, "He yust vanted A big cake or a little
sex." "So vat kinda cake you make him dere?" Ole asked. With a twinkle
in her eye, Lena came back,"!Ole!, who da heck you tink I look like? Dat
spoon twirlin Betty Crocker dere?"
Submitted by Sven
Well, Ole's old lady was pregnant. So, he brought her to the doctor.
The doctor delivered the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked
over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You just had a son!"
Ole got excited by this, but just then the Doctor spoke up and. said, "Hold
on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Yumpin' yimminy! Ole, you got a daughter!"
Ole was kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we
ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Ole,
you just had another boy! But dat's it!"
So, Ole and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home,
they began talking. Ole said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran
out of Vaseline and we had to use dat 3-in-1 Oil."
She said, "Yeah".
He said, "By golly, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!"
Submitted by Suzy
LENA, AND, OLGA, WERE SHOUTING AT EACHOTHER, ACROSS THEIR BACK FENCE.
THE CORNER POLICEMAN, HEARD THE RACKET, AND, APPROACHED THE THE RAGING FEMALES!
"LADIES!...LADIES!" SAID, THE POLICEMAN. "WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?"
LENA, QUICKLY, BLURTED OUT, "OLGA, SAID, DAT' MY HUSBAND, OLIE, HAD A WART
AT DE' END OF HIS 'TING'!"
WITH THIS, OLGA, EXPLODED, IN FRUSTRATION! "I, DIDN'T SAY DAT' HE "HAD"
A WART ON DE' END OF HIS 'TING'!"
"I, SAID, IT "FELT" LIKE HE HAD A WART, ON THE END OF HIS 'TING;!!!"
Submitted by Unknown
Well anyway, Lena called me the other day and let me in the latest. Seems Ole came home the other night somewhat intoxicated. Acting a bit "feisty", Ole said to Lena, "Lena, you remind me of a John Deere tractor!"
Lena chose to ignore that remark and went about fixing Ole's supper for him.
A bit later Ole said, "Lena, on second thought, you remind me of a Massey-Ferguson Combine!" Again, Lena ignored him, since Ole was always a bit argumentative after drinking. But the supper mellowed Ole up somewhat, and by bedtime he was in a very good mood. In fact, after turning out the lights, Ole said, "Lena, how about you and me having some fun?"
"Ole!," said Lena, "If you tink I'm going to start up dis 85-tousand dollar combine for yust a half an ear of corn, YOU"RE CRASY!!!!!"
And so it goes in most farming communities (so I'm told!)
Submitted by Flippster
Sven And Olie
Sven and Olie were vacationing and attended their first fair. The first
thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel. "Oh, Olie," he
says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose
big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."
Olie, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so.
Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go
vit me on dat ride." Olie couldn't come up with a good reason so up they
went. Olie had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun. After
another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Olie,"
says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller
coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."
"Oh, I don't tink so." says Olie. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go
vit me on dat roller coaster." Again Olie couldn't come up with a good
reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Olie had to admit
after the ride that it wasn't so bad. After another 10 minutes or so,
they came to the bungee jump "Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust
look at dat, Olie. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a
rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on,
let's go do it."
Oh, I don't tink so," says Olie. "Dat's much too dangerous.
Dis is vare I draw da line." "Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von
good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."
"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Olie. "I came into dis vorld
because of a broken rubber and, by yimminy, I'm not going to leave it da
Submitted by Flippster
Lars and Ole, are being processed through Ellis Island after
arriving in the United States,... during the Industrial
Revolution. The procedure includes questions concerning
skills which the candidates possessed from the old country.
Lars, being interviewed first, was asked if he had any
Heavy Machine Mechanical skills practiced in Sweden. He
replied, "Ya,...Ya, I vork in Vemons Panty Factory,...
running sewing machine, und my yob vas installink der
elastik en der vaist band, und sewing in der crotch. The
interviewer,.....unimpressed and frowning, asked Ole,.. what
if any experience he might have,..... working in the
Heavy Machine Environment. Ole responded with, " Ya, Ya,
....I vork in same panty factory as Lars, .....but am Diesel
Fitter". The interviewer smiled and nodded indicating a
marked approval, and continued to ask Ole what his tasks
consisted of, "Vell I stand next to Ole by his sewing
machine,.. und slip der panties over my head and say, ......
Yaa,..... "DEESE UL FIT HER"............