If at first you don't succeed.....dont try skydiving.

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What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.

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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

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How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

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Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.

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What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."

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Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

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What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

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What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.

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What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."

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WIFE - If you love me truly you would have married someone else.

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?
There are too many targets!

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.