Know your REAL state's motto:

Alabama, Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska, 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas, Literacy Ain't Everything.
California, By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado, If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut, Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware, We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida, Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia, We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii,Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (You Mainland Scum, Just Leave Your Money)
Idaho, More Than Just Potatoes...
Illinois, Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana, 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa, We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas, First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky, Five Million People - Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana, We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine, We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland, If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts, Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan, First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota, 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi, Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri, Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana, Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska, Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada, Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire, Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey, You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right here!
New Mexico, Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York, You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina, Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota, We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio, At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma, Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon, Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania, Cook With Coal
Rhode Island, We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina, Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota, Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee, The Edyoocashun State
Texas, Se Hablo Ingles
Utah, Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont, Ay, Yep
Virginia, Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington, We have more rain than you do
West Virginia, One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin, Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming, Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

Here are a selection of applications to live in various destinations...

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

NAME: _________________________________________________
ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder( )
Playboy air freshener ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"Ex-wife in trunk" ( )
"If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
"Bush/Quayle" ( )
"Shit Happens" ( )
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Prolife ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Don't Care ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )

How Automatic Weapons do you own? 5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WEST VIRGINIA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: (last) _____________
(first) (_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

CB Handle: _____________________

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
(_)Coal Miner

Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
___ Number of refrigerators on front porch

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here

Reason for continued residence in West Virginia:
(_) can't bear to leave brother's behind
(_) daddy won't give me my pants back
(_) liberal wife beating laws

BUMPER STICKERS:
___ Eat more Possum ___ My other car is a piece of shit too
___ Honk if you love Jesus ___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't shit
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco ___ Wave if you're horny

Favorite Recreation:
___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin' ___ Skinny Dippin'
___ Craw Daddin' ___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'
___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin'
___ Honky Tonkin' ___ Noodlin' ___ Other

Number of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle
___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws ___ Budweiser
___ Vo-Tech ___ Skoal ___ Coors
___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear

Memberships:
___ KKK ___ NRA ___ Moose ___ PTL Club ___ AA
___ Bass Club ___ VFW ___ Quiltin' Bee ___ American Legion
___ United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___ John Birch Society

Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
___ B.O. ___ Crabs ___ Head Lice ___ Rabies
___ Trench Mouth ___ Runny Nose ___ Bad Breath ___ Chafing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS

Name:_______________________________________________________________
Nickname:___________________________ CB Handle:____________________
Address (RFD):______________________________________________________
Daddy (if unknown afix list of 3 suspects):_________________________
Neck colour:____ [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red [] Other
Number of teeth exposed in full grin:_______ Upper:_____ Lower:____
Make of Pickup:_________________________ Tire Size:_________________
Hounds:_____________ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Beagle [] Black and Tan
Length of right leg:__________ Length of left leg:__________ other:_________
How many cars/makes in front yard? _________________________________
How many on blocks? ________________________________________________
How many kitchen appliances on front porch? ________________________ back porch? _________________________
When and where was your last "Elvis" sighting? _____________________ ____________________________________________________________________
Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags? [] Yes [] No

Are you married to any of the following? (circle all that apply)
-Sister -Cousin -Cousin's Sister
-Other, Explain:____________________________________________________

Have you EVER had more than one bath a week?
[] No [] Yes, Explain:___________________________________________

*Medical Information*
Do you have at least two (2) of the following:
[] B.O. [] Lice [] Crabs [] Bad Breath [] Hoof in Mouth [] Scabs [] Fleas [] Infected Tatoos [] Crossed eyes [] Runny Nose [] Green Teeth [] Yellow Teeth [] Any Teeth [] Speach Impediment

*General Information*
Can you count past 20 without stripping? [] yes [] no [] never tried
Favorite Weapon:
[] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Shotgun
Favorite Pastime:
[] Drinkin' [] Coon Huntin' [] Fishin' [] Fuedin'[] Other
Truck equipped with:
[] Gun Rack [] Fuzzbuster [] 8-Track [] Rebel Flag [] Roll Bar [] C.B. Radio [] Beer Cans [] Squirrel Tail [] Bull Horns

Favorite Vocalist:
[] Elvis (the young Elvis) [] Elvis (the old Elvis) [] Elvis (dead)

Cap Emblems:
[] John Deere [] CAT [] SKOAL [] Budweiser [] Bud Dry [] Jack Daniels [] Teamsters local

Merberships:
[] NRA [] VFW [] KKK [] 700 Club [] B.P.O.E. [] Sine-aid Society

Do you vote? [] Yes [] No [] What's that?

Have you ever been in jail? [] Yes [] No [] Born there

Your Signature (one X will do):____________________________Date:_____

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Application to live in New Jersey

NAME:__________________________
NICKNAME:_____________________
ADDRESS: ______________________
EXIT #: ______________________

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
a)Sewage
b)Sulfur
c)Garbage
d)All of the above

TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS:
a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS:
a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS:
a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED:
a)Sergio Valente
b)Jordache
c)Sassoon
d)Z. Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER:
a)100%
b)95-100%
c)90-95%
d)85-90%

TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED:
a)10 - 15
b)15 - 20
c)20 - 25
d)25 and above

# OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME:
a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY:
a)$5 - $10
b)$10 - $15
c)$15 - $20
d)Stolen

NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DRAKKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED EFFECT:
a)10 - 15
b)15 - 25
c)25 and above

GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH?
YES NO

HAIR HEIGHT:
a)6 - 8 Inches
b)8 - 12 Inches
c)1 - 2 feet
d)More than 2 feet

HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME:
a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mousse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue

AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
f) Chevette (You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND:
a)6 - 8 Inches
b)4 -6 Inches
c)2 - 4 Inches
d)Under 2 Inches

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE:
a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
i) Fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM:
a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC:
a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springsteen

ESSAY QUESTION:
In 100 words or less, define the term "Yoos Guys".

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.

"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the laws of nature."
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And I got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' ....So I stabbed him."

Q: Why does Iowa not have a professional football team?
A: Because then Minnesota would want one too.

RULES FOR VISITING MINNESOTA 1) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns: Fertile, Moorhead, Climax, Cummings, Gentilly, or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

2) Don't order a bottle, can, or glass of soda. Up here it's called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

3) We know our heritage. Most of us are far more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

4) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living up here. Naturally, we do have small lapses in judgment from time to time (Jesse Ventura), but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass back to Arkansas.

5) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so know your role and shut your mouth. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

6) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.

7) Don't try to fake a Minnesota accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Fargo" as that will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

8) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and L.A., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, NOrthwest Airlines is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

9) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 10 below, then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, if you hog the heater in the icehouse, we'll kick your ass.

10) Don't complain that Minnesota doesn't really have 10,000 lakes. We actually have more than 10,000, so if you whine, we'll kick your ass all the way back to that ghetto you call home.

11) So, you think we're quaint or losers because we live in the Northwoods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't bitch about the mosquitoes. We have mosquitoes, you have rats and roaches. After the mosquitoes are done with you, we'll kick your ass for complaining.

13) Last, but certainly not least, DON'T YOU DARE to come here and tell us how the Vikings and Twins suck. Only Minnesotans and true fans are allowed to knock 'em down. If you do, this will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you'll go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Enjoy your stay! Explore Minnesota!

New Hampshire roads frequently have signs reading:
FROST HEAVES

I come from California. I guess this must be a New England way to say:
WINTER SUCKS

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

four guys are sitting in a car. one from Idaho on from iowa one from minnesota and one from wisconsin. the guy from idaho takes a sack of patatoes and throws them out of the car saying "we have so many of these in our state i'm sick of looking at them!" the guy from iowa throws a bag of corn husks out the window saying "i'm so sick of looking at those too." then the minnesota guy inspired by the others opens the car door and pushes the guy from wisconsin out.