A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

Irish Humor...

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan.

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. Besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants so I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex any way she wants it?
She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy says, "Well, did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," replies the fellow.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"

A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to the wife, "Your rear end is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, he measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!"

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said," Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman. "But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

An older couple were on a cruise and the weather became stormy. While they were standing on the stern watching the moon, a large wave swept the woman overboard.
After searching in for several days they were unable to locate her body. The captain returned the man to shore and promised to send him word when they found something.
Several weeks passed before the man was notified. The fax read as follows:

"Sir,"

We are sorry to inform you your wife is dead. When we retrieved her body attached to her most private part was an oyster. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000.

Please advise."

The man replied, "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"

A man approached his family physician and said,

"Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."

The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed,

"Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"

"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own..."

Sometime after Bernie died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been. "My Bernie thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Knowing you'll do this, I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably. "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva". "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring. "So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it." In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint. In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?" Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."

John decides to paint the toilet seat one morning while his wife is away. The job done, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. Mary, his wife, came home sooner than expected, and needing to visit the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. In a panic, Mary shouts for John to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's office, John lifts his wife's coat to show their pittiable predicament. John asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor admitted. "But never framed."